I think it’s time for me to grieve my expectations
I think it’s time for me to grieve my expectations. I realize that my expectations were very selfish. I saw a surprise child as an extention of myself. I dreamed of dressing her up and taking her for walks in the park. There is a playground nearby that I foresaw her enjoying. But every fun thing on that playground involves climbing and navigating a functioning body around. I hurt her little sore arm while dressing her today even with the extra big button up shirt we got for her. She can’t walk in the park with me like I did with my mom.
I want to feel normal again. I want to go back to work. I am facing staying home to care for her using SSI or some other government assistance. I don’t want it. I do well at my job and my life was pretty good. I don’t even know what kind of full-time care she needs or how I’m suppose to make this decision in two and a half more months. I want my life back.
God didn’t make her this way. People have said that and I think I get the comfort they mean behind the words, but God didn’t make her this way, my womb broke her. Something went wrong inside my body that hurt her. Even unburying this admission from my heart feels like reopening a wound. People keep saying there’s nothing I could have done, but my guilt doesn’t diminish. She can’t wear her little shoes because I am incapable of carrying a child inside me.
While I’m “confessing,” I will just say now that I don’t think God will heal her. Maybe it’s just lack of faith, but God did put rules into the universe and he rarely bends them.
There is no cure.
If there is no cure the only thing I have is relying on God to heal her. I just don’t think he will. I remember praying so faithfully that God would bring my mom back from the dead. He could. He didn’t. He could crush the moon in his fist, but I don’t think he’ll do that either. He seems to work according to his own rules. He’s not a vending machine where I can put in my quarters and get my miracles. Yes, he could heal her, but he probably won’t. Maybe I’m just putting my fleece out.
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Charles here.
I have 100% faith that God can physically restore our daughter to full health, if He desires. That’s not the only miracle He could perform on our daughter. He could:
-Give her supernatural social skills in school to avoid the ostracism that usually accompanies a physical deformity.
-Provide a wonderful, godly husband who will look past her appearance to the beautiful woman inside.
-Give Laelia an indomitable hope and optimism even as her therapy continues into her teenage years.
-Make us such good and loving parents that our daughter has a wonderful childhood despite her handicap.
So, I’m asking for healing when I pray, but I’m asking for a lot of other things as well. If you think of us when you pray, please do the same. We’ll figure out God’s will together.
