My mood is definitely improving

My mood is definitely improving. I wondered about sharing this next part, but if I can share about my depression I can certainly share what’s going on in my spiritual life. It seems when people go through these major life changes they seem to then “find religion.” It’s comforting. It’s understandable. It’s not me. Nevertheless, Charley’s been reading me the Bible at night as if pumping the words into me will make the depression magically disappear. He’s definitely the only one that would get away with that. :) He was reading me Luke 18 where requests failed to be made to God and Jesus asked, “When the Son of Man comes, will He really find faith on the earth?” When Charley read it, I said, “No,” without realizing I even felt that way. My prayers just seemed to be bouncing off the ceiling because I had no faith that God would answer them. I studied the Bible academically in college so I knew a lot of verses on prayer.

“Call to Me and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.” (Jeremiah 33:3)
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” (Matthew 7:7)
“The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.” (James 5:16)

But I forgot about the conditions of prayer. People don’t just get sports cars because they ask for them. So I researched those conditions put on prayer (in between feeding, burping, bouncing and diaper changes).

I have to have faith.

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double -minded man, unstable in all his ways.” (James 1:5-8)

I need to let God know my requests even though he already knows.

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.” (Philippians 4:6)

I need to stop killing people. :) Okay…

“When you spread out your hands. I will hide My eyes from you: Even though you make many prayers, I will not hear. Your hands are full of blood.” (Isaiah 1:15)

I need to not be a hypocrite or terrible person.

“Woe to you , scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you devour widows’ houses, and for a pretense make long prayers. Therefore you will receive greater condemnation.” (Matthew 23:14).

I need to mean it, not just stay a bunch of words.

“And when you pray, do not use vain repetitions as the heathen do. For they think that they will be heard for their many words. Therefore do not be like them. For your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him.” (Matthew 6:7-8)

And (the hard part) I need to pray for God’s will to be done no matter what my request. Meaning I need to want God’s will first and my wants second. Even if my wants are for my daughter. Because if my requests don’t align with a perfect plan I cannot see, then they would be bad for her.

“Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me; nevertheless not My will, but Yours, be done.” (Luke 22:42)

“In this manner, therefore, pray: Our Father in heaven, Hallowed be Your name. Your kingdom come. your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.” (Matthew 6:9-10)

So I decided to have faith. I started praying that God would heal my daughter and started to believe that he would. Maybe not fully, or in the way I would want, but he will heal her to some extent. I think he wants her to have this condition and that it’s part of a plan. I think the whole situation sucks and have told him as much, but I’ll have faith anyway. :) Even though God knows I’ve been mad at him, he still gave me a lot of joy and hope and faith these last few days. So I’ve been feeling better.

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