I’m not a perfect person
It’s weird that I keep going even though nothing seems right in my gut. These last few days have been really hard on us. But I’m going to take my break and eat my self-prescribed chocolate. Then next week I’m going to let Mother’s Day on the 11th and the anniversary of my mother’s death on the 15th hit me as hard as it wants while I hold my daughter close. After that I’m back in business. That’s the plan.
On my way to work this morning I was crying because it was raining and “The Reason” by Hoobastank was playing on the radio. The lyrics really got to me. Although I didn’t hurt my girlfriend’s feelings like in the song, my womb did hurt my baby, and that is something I’ll have to live with everyday. And there’s so many things about myself that I want to change. So this song made me cry because in my head I was singing it to my baby.
“i’m not a perfect person. there are many things i wish i didnt do
but i continue learning. i never meant to do those things to you.
and so i have to say before i go, that i just want you to know
i’ve found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you
i’m sorry that i hurt you, its something i must live with everyday
and all the pain i put you through, i wish that i could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears, thats why i need you to hear
i’ve found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you
i’ve found a reason to show a side of me you didnt know
a reason for all that i do, and the reason is you”
May 7th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Oh sweetie…*reaches out and hugs her friend*
I’m so sorry you are having to carry this around every day. I have a vague idea what you are talking about-my mom told me that every time a kid teased me or I had to have a surgery, she would torture herself knowing that she passed the disease on to me.
But honey, you didn’t cause this. It happened, but not by your will. Man, I so wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better. It saddens me so much that I can’t. But my shoulder is always ready for you-cry away anytime. My ear is always ready-vent, scream, moan.
You will get through this. It doesn’t feel like it. But you will. And for my part, I will do everything I can to help lighten your load, brighten your day, and just make ya laugh!
Love ya,
Beth
May 7th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Hi, I haven’t read through all of your entries, but I was wondering if you are connected to the early start program? What part of California are you located in? If I know I can help to look for some resources for you. Most importantly hang in there and good for you for talking/writing about your feelings and frustrations…It is better than keeping them all bottled up. Debbie
May 9th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
You know, Lexi, every mom has to apologize to her children for plenty of times of not being perfect. Sometimes we even have to ask forgiveness for decisions we made with the best of intentions and buckets of love when those decisions turned out wrong (just ask Laura!).
But the one thing a mom does NOT have to apologize for is something over which she had no control. We cannot change what we don’t know. If you had had any idea that such a problem existed, you would have moved heaven and earth to prevent it from harming Laelia. And you know what else? Your wonderful mom would not have had to apologize for giving you a womb that didn’t work exactly as you thought it might, because she didn’t do that on purpose, either.
That said, you go ahead and feel crummy about this from time to time ’cause that’s just the way good moms are, and because you don’t let it eat at you too often or too long. There has never been a serious heart wound that didn’t have to be grieved over and over and over. Every time we think one is conquered, we have days of illness, sleep deprivation, too much stress, annoying people, and ridiculously absurd red tape twisted and tangled until BANG, the scab is scraped off, and we realize the wound hasn’t really healed, we had just figured out how to live with it for awhile. The best thing, though, is that as time passes we get better at living with and profiting from our life wounds. Uh… or maybe it’s just that even more pile up and we can only deal with so many at one time????
Many hugs and much love,
That other Auntie Linda.