Laelia Sky

I had this dream that Lali could move her arms. Not perfect, normal movement, but it was like her muscles woke up a little. She could lift her arms more and even bend her elbows actively like a lot of other kids with her condition are able to do. Then I woke up and realized that it had all been a dream. That led me into a total funk. Now more than ever I looked for some sign that she would be okay, and throughout the day it seemed she was moving even less–her arms hanging lifeless at her sides, her hands unable to make fists. The old doubts came into my head. Will she have friends? Will she find the love of her life? Will she be happy? Will she need someone to help her go to the bathroom? Feed herself? Get around? 

I still have days like this. It’s not everyday. It’s not most of the time. Unlike before, I now have developed a system to pull myself out of the overwhelming dark thoughts. It involves a little cognitive-behaviorism, a little Bible reciting and a ton of prayer. I’ve decided that it’s more important how I handle my feelings than it is to beat myself up for having them in the first place.

But boy what I wouldn’t give to not have them in the first place.

Charley and I are working on ways to take anything that comes our way–medical discoveries, test results, other people’s comments, visions of the future, bad dreams–and not let these things crumble us. We want to not be vunerable to an off-hand remark, but instead be strong and sure of our daughter’s value and purpose.

Oh God, please strengthen the hands that hang down! (Hebrews 12:12 NKJV) 

This entry was posted on Sunday, September 7th, 2008 at 8:13 pm and is filed under coping, god. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.