I thought this might give people a better idea of why surgery is needed for her hips. This is the straightest she can “stand” right now. Her hips and tush are pulling on her lower back. Plus her legs are spread wide, and go up and out like she was meant to do nothing but sit. Hopefully if all goes well, and it will, the surgery will greatly improve her ability to straighten out!

So I don’t know, how  are  we doing? A lot of bad has happened in the last two weeks. My grandfather, the one who built my tree house and played video games with me and was there every single Thanksgiving, who was my next door neighbor my entire childhood, is gone.

I had a physical reminder last week that my body isn’t good at making babies. (And, no, I don’t want any either, ever again! And we’re not trying! But I hate that my body isn’t right.) 

I had to defend my choice to be a working Mom to a misinformed, Bible-spouting ignoramus.

My work is crazy since it’s our busy season.

Our cat got fleas. Okay that last thing sounds like nothing, except for the fact that I have this annoying small bugs phobia. I have been scrubbing and vacuuming everything in sight, and I’ve not been able to sleep at night for fear they’ll eat me.  Of course we have only seen a few fleas, and I nuked (with flea spray) everything in sight, and put Advantage on all three cats. It should be  me  who keeps  fleas  up at night.

But I think the worst are these panic attacks that come from thinking about Laelia’s surgery. I get scared and worried and start shaking and crying. But then I don’t think about it for a while, and I’m almost fine again. It can get bad at night, but I get little stabs of panic or grief at random times during the day too. I had one on my way to work yesterday morning. Had one when I had 9 minutes left on the treadmill. Had one when discussing my schedule for the next couple weeks. Had one fifteen minutes ago… 

I just can’t believe she starts school next Thursday. Then surgeries come six days after that. It’s too much. It’s too soon. I’m not ready.  

Other times I’m better. I have a lot of encouragement and support from friends and family. I know I haven’t gotten back to everyone who has emailed me, but I do appreciate it very much! I’ve gone out to Golden Spoon and talked with Lauren, I’ve gone to the gym and talked with Chelsea and I’ve gone out with Maria and had a couple drinks. I felt a lot better after talking about it, and then being able to talk about other random, girlie things too. It’s that bit of normalcy that feels good.  

We’ve also had some good distractions. Like when Lali throws a fit when she can’t have a “cack-er.” Or watching her play with her new Power Wheels. Or listening to her sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Okay I feel better after getting a bit out on the blog. I think I’ll go to bed now. Thanks for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 3rd, 2009 at 8:04 pm and is filed under coping, medical science, Scared. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.