Day Before
Well, it’s almost six in the morning and I’m going crazy. I left for work early since I didn’t have to be at Laelia’s splinting appointment this morning at OT. I can’t believe her surgery is tomorrow! But it’s not just one big event that she needs to “get through,” it’s several hospital visits, two hospital stays/surgeries and months of pain management. It’s like knowing you are going to have the stomach flu for three months. You’d want to get through it, but you wouldn’t want to start that process either. I got delirious yesterday at the thought of canceling her surgery. I daydreamed about actually announcing that it was off. But then I would just worry like this another time, and I’m already sick of worrying. I feel like I have three fists punching me in my stomach, in my chest and in my throat. They’re making me sick.
When we were going to get Laelia serial casting back in the day, I remember one time while waiting for our turn there was a little six-year old girl in a lower body cast. She had been in an accident and needed surgery. Now she was all healed from surgery and getting her casts off. She just kept crying and crying that it hurt so bad. She couldn’t move. Her whole body was rigid and her face was distorted with pain. So after all the heartache of surgery and recovery and casts and general awfulness, it wasn’t over for her. Laelia is scheduled to get her casts off before Christmas, but that doesn’t mean her recovery will be over. That doesn’t mean our nightmare will be over. I just have to get through this year!
I cried hard last night thinking about if she didn’t come out of surgery. How I would regret not canceling it. I thought of all the things I would miss. Charley and I talked about her chubby grin we love so much. We don’t know how we would go on without her. And although I allowed myself to grieve that possibility, I knew I couldn’t think about it for long. The whole thing is just so scary for me. I wonder if other parents would feel this way.
It’s hard to enjoy her. When she smiles at me it breaks my heart. I wonder if this is the last time she’ll smile at me. I cried through feeding her dinner last night until Charley came home. It’s awful.
Well I’d better start my day. I’m working today until my family gets in town.
That’s another thing. I’ve been worried that I planned my life poorly by thinking long term. Maybe I should have been thinking short term. I go to a job. I send Laelia off to school (and to other new experiences). I go to the gym… Maybe I should have been a stay-at-home mom who focused on cramming several years worth of memories into just under two years of being with Laelia. If she doesn’t wake up I’ll have that regret. But if she does pull through this fine, which is, um, definitely the much more likely outcome, then of course I did the right thing by thinking long term. Actually I may have several years of memories already. I have a gajillion photos. 
I’m just making myself crazy. And since I like to blog, now you all know I’m nuts.
September 15th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Again, there are no words really. You are a wonderful Mom, Alexis! We love you and are praying. I will see you tomorrow.